Some people say planning a wedding is hard, but for some, figuring out the right way and right time to propose can be just as nerve-wrecking. There are so many factors to consider – emotional, psychological and financial – before taking the leap and asking someone to be your life partner. Media and movies don’t do us any favours by trivialising the more important stuff, and making us believe that love is all a couple really needs to take that next big step in their relationship.
Ideally, your partner should be someone who has supported you, grown with you, accepts and loves you regardless of your shortcomings and has expressed their desire to be with you through thick and thin many years to come. There’s a saying that states that marriage isn’t about love, and it couldn’t be more right.
Marriage isn’t just about sealing your devotion to each other in front of family and friends, but more so about wanting to build something bigger than just the two of you; a family, a life together, for the rest of your lives. It signifies a very adult move to make, at the mere mention of wanting to settle down with your significant other, and with it, comes adult responsibilities to take into consideration.
As romantic as a proposal may be, you have to consider your finances, as a couple and an individual. Where you had two incomes and two households at one point, or if you lived together before the proposal, perhaps your money was somewhat separate. However once you tie the knot, your finances and your partner’s finances will inevitably become one. If he has bad credit and you marry him, in most states, his credit will becomes yours. If she likes to spend a lot of money, it might just end up being part of your debt, if she accumulates any.
It’s also a good idea to have some idea of living arrangements once you get married, like where and in what type of housing. Also, once you have kids, will the two of you still carry on working, or will one partner stay home to look after the home and children? There’s no need to go into the details, but having a rough idea if your partner is on the same page when it comes to home life will equip you with enough information to decide if they’ll make an ideal life partner. Sharing financial goals also shows you that your partner sees you more than just a boyfriend/girlfriend, but someone they trust and as a partner in life.
Another factor to consider is sex – and we’re not referring to the orgasmic, toe-curling kind that happens in between the sheets. Sex isn’t just about coitus when placed in the context of a relationship; it also involves the emotional intimacy and connection between the both of you as a couple. Intimacy between a couple should be present even outside the bedroom, in the form of subtle gestures. Holding hands, a reassuring hug or a peck on the cheek (not even the lips), all counts as forms of intimacy, and that kind of chemistry is important for a lasting relationship (once age catches up and your good looks are long gone).
Speaking of intimacy, your partner should be one of your best friends, if not the best. If the two of you are able to lean on each other through the toughest of times, only to come out stronger, you know you have a companion for life. Because marriage isn’t about only about love, your partner has to be someone you can intellectually connect with for the next 40 or 50 years. Having a friend in your partner will open up communication lines when life gets stormy and you’ll be able to endure hardships together.
Finally, you have to take into consideration how long you’ve been together as a couple – although counting the number of months or years is a very vague method of gauging if it’s time to pop the question. But common sense will tell you that knowing someone for any time less than a year doesn’t make an ideal situation for a proposal, given that some friendships don’t even last that long. Also, the use of marriage as an ultimatum should never be used, so if you or your partner is guilty of uttering “It’s marriage or I’m leaving”, that should be a huge red flag.
A good way to tell if it’s time to propose is to imagine that marriage is the exception, and not the norm. Imagine that settling down isn’t common in your society, and you’re still considering doing it. If it wasn’t usual for people to get married, would you still do it? Would you still want to take that next step to commit and spend the rest of your life with your significant other? Ask yourself if you’re planning to propose due to pressure or because you truly feel that this is what both of you want ultimately. Once you’ve ironed all the tiny details and cleared all your doubts, the decision to propose should come easily. To that, we say good luck!
Siti Zawani: Weddings/Relationships, Food and Fitness writer.