Arguments with a loved one can take a terrible toll on us, emotionally and psychologically. Because we care about them immensely, we can sometimes say very hurtful things that may cross the line. However, when all’s said and done, it’s very hard to take back what we said in a fit of anger and sometimes it can lead to the two of you parting ways.
Here are 5 things you should avoid saying to your partner, regardless of the issue:
#1: “Why can’t you be like (fill in the blank)?”
It’s one thing to pick on your partner’s flaws, but it’s a whole other ballgame when you compare them to someone else you wish they were.
This not only belittles them as a romantic partner, but it also means you’ve probably considered this other (mentioned) person as a potential mate before. An argument should be about the issue at hand and not about attacking the other person personally. If the argument gets too heated, it’s alright to take a break, cool off and have a level-headed and calm discussion then.
#2: “You always (fill in the blank)!” or “You never (fill in the blank)!”
We have no problem with you highlighting whatever issues you two may have, but once you mention something as forward using the words ‘always’ and ‘never’, it immediately halts any progress. Instead, it sets up a situation where your partner has almost no choice but to be on the defence. Avoid generalising and try to focus on the issue at hand while also communicating how their actions make you feel.
For example, you could simply state: “When you’re out late and don’t text me about your whereabouts, I get worried and I just want to make sure you’re safe”. Then follow with a suggestion on how to solve the problem rather than simply point the finger and expect them to know how to fix it on their own.
#3: “If you loved me, you would (fill in the blank).”
No one has to do anything for anyone, especially just because they’re in a committed relationship – that’s simply emotional blackmail. Plus, giving your partner an ultimatum like that leaves little room for any discussion or compromise on their end. Any relationship that makes you feel like you’re obliged to do, say or behave a certain way needs serious rethinking, because a relationship requires you to want to do things for someone and not because you feel you have to.
#4: “You always do this, like that time (fill in the blank)!”
Rehashing old issues is a huge no-no! When you get into an argument with your partner, always stick with the original problem and don’t bring up past flaws just to spite them. What was in the past should stay in the past. If you still have issues with whatever problems you two had before, it’s clear you harbour some resentment and that requires a proper sit-down session – not a scream fest of personal attacks.
#5: “(Fill in someone’s name) said you were like this!”
When you involve other parties in your argument, it can come off like you’re rallying an army of people who support your stand. The truth is, even though you may have spoken with friends and family about your relationship issues, they have nothing to do with what goes on between you and your partner. Your issues as a couple, are YOUR issues. Other people may have their opinions about your relationship, and in fact they may hold some truth, but it’s always wiser to argue with sufficient reason (as opposed to using mere hearsay).
Siti Zawani: Weddings/Relationships, Food and Fitness writer.