Like poet Kahlil Gibran once said, “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.” A break-up is never, ever easy, even when one or both parties have no romantic feelings for one another. There will always be some degree of care and concern left, as well as the memories shared.
But what if the break-up was caused by an unfaithful partner? Sure, the anger and bitterness will linger for a significant amount of time, but does time really heal all wounds? Some people are unable to move past an unfaithful partner, and that’s completely understandable. For those who are on the fence about whether to give their significant other another chance, it’s not such an easy decision.
Undoubtedly, friends and family will have their say about where your relationship stands in the case of infidelity, but ultimately it has to be your own decision as you’re the one who will be spending the most time with your partner and will be investing your emotions in the two of you. Before deciding which path to take, here are a few things to consider first if you’re seriously considering giving your partner a second chance.
The length of your relationship
This is important because if the both of you have only been together for a year or less, it’s a huge red flag and you’re better off single. Because of the short period of time you have been together, you’ve only begun to learn about each other. If they couldn’t commit themselves wholly into building trust and loyalty in your relationship in that short span of time, what would make them want to commit long-term?
Even if it was a simply excuse of “It was a one-off thing. It didn’t mean anything”, it highlights your partner’s inability to take your relationship seriously. For relationships that have spanned several years (but not amounted to engagement), it can get a little tricky.
If this is the first and only time your partner has ever faltered, you might want to reassess the possible reasons for them straying. We’re NOT saying that if your relationship was going a rough patch, it gives your partner an excuse to wander. But having known each other for a long period of time, you’ll probably have more insight as to why he/she felt that they weren’t satisfied with the relationship, especially after all this time.
It is then that you may need to sit down and talk your issues out properly before deciding if you should get back together.
Assess them
This may require you to draw up the classic ‘pros and cons’ list, as cliché as it may seem. But listing down your partner’s strong personality
traits may help you decide if he/she is truly a keeper. Sure, they cheated on you, but have they always shown signs of disrespect and dishonesty throughout the relationship? After all, everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect, not even you.
Penning down your partner’s positive and negative qualities may not be enough to decide if they are worth your time, so be sure to also observe how they act and react around you while both of you are still working through your issues. Are they true to their promise of changing their ways and making it up to you? Or do they still show only intermittent signs of their commitment to make things truly work?
How willing are you to forgive what’s been done?
You could spend weeks and months on re-building trust and communication with your partner, but all that effort would be for nothing if you don’t already want to truly work past the infidelity. As vital as it is for your partner to prove his/her sincerity, all their efforts will be futile if you’ve already made up your mind.
Because you’ll probably be quite the emotional mess within the first month or so, try your best to figure out where your relationship stands, take some time apart – not to end things – but to figure out how you really want to deal with the relationship and what steps to take from here on. The matrix of the relationship will have obviously changed, at least for a while. Don’t stay with a cheating partner simply out of competition (or out of fear of being alone); it could lead to self-destructive patterns where you always feel that you have to fight for your relationship, regardless.
Working on a relationship after infidelity is possible, but recognise that it doesn’t get better overnight. It may take months to recover, but it has to start with clear and honest intentions. When both parties have set their minds (and hearts) on wanting to improve their relationship, reconciliation is possible. Also, keep in mind that cheating is highly likely a symptom of another deep-rooted issue. In order to make your relationship a success, you have to work on it continuously and talk about what the real issue is that brought your relationship to its current point.
Siti Zawani: Weddings/Relationships, Food and Fitness writer.