Break-ups are never easy, whether you’re the one breaking the bed news or the one receiving it. Having always been on the receiving end, we’re all too-familiar with how tempting it can be to want to try and work on things, even after the other party has expressed their disinterest.
But there’s always a reason why things had to end between lovers, mutual or otherwise. There are obvious ways of avoiding contacting your ex, like not replying to his calls/texts and not making the first move to try and look him up. But if you’re struggling with the willpower to even avoid doing so, here are some tips on how to save yourself further emotional trauma and heartache by staying away from your ex:
Avoid idealising your relationship
When you’re still fresh from the hurt and licking your wounds, it’s easy to think of all the good times you and your partner had – making all the issues you two had seem almost trivial. “If you hold onto the past, you might put your ex on a pedestal that they don’t deserve to be on,” says YourTango expert and dating coach, Julie Spira.
Not only do we idealise our lost relationship once it’s over, but we also tend to exaggerate the importance of it. Just because you two loved each other once, it doesn’t mean that it was meant to last forever. Lovers fall out, and it could simply be due to simple incapability.
Emotionally reconnect with yourself
Once you’ve successfully rid your life of your ex (i.e. stopped calling, texting, Facebook-ing, Tweet-ing, etc), the next step is to rediscover your singlehood. By this, we don’t mean hitting up pick-up joints and going back into the dating game; that will come in much later. It’s important to get in touch with who you are as an individual at this point, learning how to be comfortable alone and know what your life goals are (if any).
The emotional clarity will help you decide what to do next, and removing your ex from the picture will allow you to reacquaint yourself with your deepest relationship need, as well as becoming more centred and healthy for the next relationship.
Take a trip with friends
No, we’re serious. It may seem like you’re running away from your problems – and it’s exactly that. Even if you need to escape over the weekend, do that. Better yet, don’t lug your smart devices with you. Let yourself bask in the company of good friends, some of whom you may not even have spent time with much when you and your ex were together.
As they say, relationships come and go, but true friends remain. This is the time when you’ll learn which are your most resilient friendships, and who’s still standing right by you. Treat yourself to a getaway and soak up the change in environment and forget the drama. Once you get back, you’ll realise that going cold turkey from your ex will be that much easier.
Meditate
You don’t need to take a professional meditation class to do this. Just take 5 to 10 minutes of your day to close yourself off from the rest of the world, and think about your ex’s worst qualities. Focus on how badly the break-up was, all the reasons why the relationship ended and allow it all to sink in. That moment may rehash old painful feelings or even bittersweet memories, but truly embracing the break-up (without anyone interfering) will help you remember why the two of you broke things off and accept it.
During this time, you’re allowed to be angry, weep and even destroy tokens of love you once held dear from him. It’s all about letting your frustrations out at once, and coming to terms with the reality of the situation. Let it be ‘you’ time, and then move on.
Think about the consequences… and ultimately, about what you want
When you’re feeling tempted to call or text your ex, ask yourself if you’re doing it because you’re feeling lonely (because you miss him) or because you truly believe you have a real shot at working through your issues together? If your answer is the latter, then we wish you good luck. But if you’re reasoning is leaning towards the former, you need to stop yourself right there.
There is no point in seeking out your ex just for a momentary thrill of speaking to an old flame. You’ll only hurt yourself all over again, and it won’t be fair to either of you. Sure, you’ll feel pretty low for some time, but break-ups are never easy. Just don’t put yourself through unnecessary pain repeatedly.
The best way to avoid having the temptation creep in, is to rediscover the world around you. It can be done solo or with friends who share the same interests and hobbies as you. Take up a sport or activity you’ve been meaning to do, but had always used your previous relationship as an excuse not to. Now that you’re single, the world’s at your feet and you no longer have the ‘responsibility’ of having to think for two. Go out and have fun!
Siti Zawani: Weddings/Relationships, Food and Fitness writer.